How-To Guide to 17 years

Valentine's Day is one of those love it or hate it type of holidays. According to my husband, as I mentioned last year, it really isn't even a holiday. Just some nonsense someone made up to sell jewelry.  Which is funny he said that because the number of times I've gotten jewelry for Valentine's Day = 0.

But I know it's not his fault. I mean, the man is one of those guys who would be in the hall of fame of husbands if anyone knew what he had to deal with on a daily basis.

And not just because he puts up with me - which he does brilliantly.  But he does so with such finesse that you almost don't even know how crazy I really am. Like for instance, he will take the kids all day on Saturday so that I can spend the day in the house getting work done. And "work" for me is loosely defined, for sure. Sometimes it's actual work. Or laundry. Or throwing out the stuffies that live in the garage, which no one even remembers we own, but I still have to use a day while they're gone, or they will throw themselves on the ground crying in protest.  SOMETIMES "work" is just taking a bubble bath while enjoying some Blue Dream, listening to Billie Holiday, and pretending I live alone. You know - important stuff.  He remembers he liked me better then, so he lets me get back in that headspace when he can. God bless that man.

But while he might be fantastic at all that, sometimes we don't always hit "amorous" on the love gauge at the same time. I know we are a complete anomaly in that respect.  But this is why I'm blogging today.  I'd like to share some advice for those ladies feeling amorous, but still want it to seem like sexy time is their spouse’s idea. (I mean, I will come out and just ask sometimes, but that usually cuts short act one and act two, and we go right for the finale, and sometimes I just can't catch that train.)

So, here it goes…

Tactic number one:  the ol "I think I left a tampon in there".First, and most importantly, you don't need to actually leave a tampon in there. In fact, it could be counter-productive. Just ask anyone who has actually left a tampon in there. I won't go into details - but there are details. It involves a speculum and some very scary smell. Also, don't google speculum.

Then, why try this tactic at all? I will tell you. When you don't actually have a tampon stuck in there, and you have your spouse "search" for it, well, it's gonna take a minute. And if your husband is anything like mine, by the time the realization hits you/him that you guys are in the clear... well, it's on.

Maybe you ask, why such a graphic tactic? I mean, think of it. You're naked. He is eye level with your flower. The rest is just a matter of time.

Tactic number two, which is very similar to tactic number one, is "does my flower smell weird?" Yes - as you can imagine, there is a parallel line between your “bagina” and his face once again - and blammo. You're in business.

Why not just try the tampon trick again, you ask?  Well, at some point you're husband is just gonna start to think you have a serious drug problem if you're constantly forgetting what you put up your vagina.

A nice compliment to the "does my vagina smell weird" tactic is an essential oil blend that you can get here. It's a great precursor. As in, "hey, I just got this new vagina essential oil… does my vagina smell weird?"  

Or you can just do the old stand by. The regular, "hey - can you just smell my vagina and see if it smells weird?!" I mean, if that doesn't work than either:

  1. Your vagina does smell weird,

  2. Your guy maybe just isn't into you, or

  3. Maybe you actually DO have a tampon stuck in there. In which case you need to book it to the doc. That shits dangerous.

Now, my third and final tactic is something anyone can try. It might feel like a huge deal, but if you've already tried the stealth vagina smell and tampon ruse, then this will be nothing. If you didn't, this might register as a little uncomfortable. But here it goes:

Tactic number 3: sexy photos. And no, not that drunk shit you take in your hotel with your android. Definitely not anything you’re gonna email or text. Real photos. With a real photographer. I can tell you I did it last year for my husband. It didn't work out as well as it could have, mainly because I wasn't nude. And I took them myself, so they are really close up.

Also I wasn't really in anything sexy.

So basically I botched the whole thing.

But I know couples that swear by this concept. One couple in fact tells me that this is a really fun treat, and they only tease out a few at a time. I think it's been years and I'm not even sure the spouse has seen them all in their entirety.

But look, I'm no expert. I'm a forty-something woman who has been with the same man for 17 years. We love each other, but life gets boring. Stop at nothing to reinvent. And if you have any new ideas, this girl is all ears.